Wednesday, 6 July 2011
It's been over two years since I last posted and I haven't really got a reason for it. I knew when I started this blog that I would never update as much as I wanted. No matter what I had to say I could never find enough words (or the right words) to make it into anything I felt that anyone wanted to read. Many of the blogs I read on a daily/weekly basis had a lot of depth to them, even if they were only a paragraph long. And I felt that I couldn't deliver that kind of writing. So, now I'm back. I still don't feel much better in my writing ability, but I'm going through an important change in my life at the moment and I want a place to record how it transpires.
I've decided to tell everyone that I'm a lesbian.
I'm not sure that anyone I know in real life actually reads this, so this won't be my venue for coming out. However, I have a feeling that coming out will be a long process. I'm sure I'll regress and not tell some people for weeks or months. Or maybe I'll tell everyone in one day and let the rumour mill do the rest. Whatever happens, I'll be using this space to get nerves and frustrations out.
I've known I was at least bisexual since I was 20, but it all started when I was 16. Three of my closest girlfriends and I were playing truth or dare, and I got the 'I dare you to kiss so and so for at least thirty seconds'. It's like that dare is mandatory at every girl sleepover. So anyway, we kissed. It wasn't amazing, but it was loads better than any other kiss I'd ever had. I chalked it up to only have kissed two boys and not being very experienced. Now, at 25, I know that's where I all began.
Looking back I was always fascinated with girls. I never thought about them in a sexual way, but I enjoyed looking at them. Any time I watched a film I was always looking at the female characters. I know, I know, that doesn't mean anything, right? I dunno. At the time I'd never really even heard of girls being with girls or guys being with guys. My town isn't really small, but even now there's not a huge population of gays. It wasn't until I was 20 that I realised I appreciated, and was even turned on by, women.
When I was 22, I went through a really hard time. I was depressed and cutting myself. That's an entirely new story, so I won't go into details here. But the first time I admitted that I liked women was to my therapist during a session. She was extremely understanding (as she should've been) but I didn't feel as relieved as I thought I would. She did give me several things to consider and I went home that night, thankful for the internet, and did some research.
I won't deny that I used a bit of internet porn in my research. I felt very self-conscious and never went out with friends or work mates. I felt as if I wasn't worthy enough for people to like me. Without going into detail, I found that guys did nothing to turn me on. Even when watching a guy and a girl I was always looking at the girl.
But it's not all about sex. In the past three years, I've found that I don't desire that deep emotional relationship with guys. I love being friends with guys and no longer get nervous around them since I don't need to impress them like I thought I did. I still have plenty of friends that are girls, but I crave that emotional relationship with one. I know eventually I'll find someone, but I think it's important for me to come out first.
So that's a bit of background about me.
For the last few weeks I've had an intense need to tell someone. But who? I honestly don't know anyone that I can imagine being okay with it. I want a sounding board before I even think about telling my parents - the last thing I need is for my parents not to accept me and then to lose my friends because of it as well. I know some of my friends will accept me, and I think in time most of my co-workers will but whenever I think about telling them my stomach knots up.
So the first person I told?
I called an old friend the other day and scheduled a play date for our kids. This girl had a year-long relationship with another girl, so I knew at least she'd be accepting and understand. When I got to her house though, I realised I hadn't seen this girl in years. Could I just come out and tell her I was gay? I let the conversation flow and decided to wait until she asked me if I was seeing anyone. A few hours passed and nothing like that came out of her mouth. I was almost relieved. Could I really start telling people I was a lesbian? Sometimes it seems unreal - I know what's expected of me: to find a man to marry and be with.
As we were getting lunch, the dreaded question was raised. I began to stutter and told her I didn't really have time to meet anyone..didn't know where to meet anyone. She said, Of course not, you work and go to school, how could you have time?
My heart was pounding so quickly I thought it'd jump out of my chest. "My situation's a bit different though. I'm...I'm..." I paused. She told me to spit it out. I looked at her and said, "I'm gay."
Her response? "I tried telling you for years!"
My hands were shaking so badly I couldn't get a grip on my water bottle but I was so relieved. I had finally told someone what I had been hiding inside for so long. Even if it was someone I didn't really speak with any longer. She told me that I could come to her if I ever needed to talk or if I needed some support.
So there we go! One down, dozens to go. I'm not ashamed of it...It's who I am and I want the people I love and care about to know this about me.
Labels: coming out, lesbian, my story, the l word