Designer: Manikka
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I've discovered several things about myself lately since my daughter's summer holiday began. During the school year I don't usually have as much time to do nothing and just be with my thoughts.

So in the few days we've had with absolutely nothing to do, I've been thinking quite a bit. Mostly regarding where my life is going.

Sometimes I start feeling really sorry for myself, and I try really hard not to and hopefully that's not how this post comes out. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or for it to sound like I'm complaining. I love my life, and I honestly wouldn't go back and change many things about it.

But I sit here with nothing to do and wonder...Why am I so lonely? I've decided that it's because I no longer have my brother and sister at home. Even though we fought when they were here, it was still some interaction throughout the day. Now, It's currently 1.50 in the afternoon, and the only interaction I've had all day is with a six year old and a brief phone call from my mother.

Yet I love my time like this to relax. I know I can't have it both ways, but I wish I had someone I could just phone at any time of the day just to chat about nothing like my friends and I used to do in school. I can't even remember how those conversations went.

I watch YouTube videos, read tweets, look at tumblrs and wonder why their lives are so interesting. I don't think my life is boring, but sometimes I want to just go out and have fun without drinking, or just hang out at someones house talking and laughing all into the night. Or to be spontaneous. I plan every aspect of my life and would love to have a night where nothing was planned at all.

I've tried putting together gatherings like this before but usually after we eat, people are saying "I've gotta go because...blah..blah...blah". It's just frustrating....and nothing that can be helped.

I dunno...it always gets worse when I've been off for several days and the day before I have to go back to work I realise I've done absolutely nothing productive at all. Today's, however, could be because I've seen several posts regarding the Harry Potter premiere. I'm really sad that it's over...it's like a chapter in my life is closing..as I'm sure in many peoples lives. It's like the end of school. You're excited, yet scared because you can never go back to that time.

Hell...I'm 25. Maybe I'm going through a mid-life crisis.

Sorry for all of the rambling..just feeling a bit saddened today. I feel like I'm losing a best friend. Harry Potter's been such a huge part of my life for almost fourteen years.

And sometimes I wish I could have such close friends as Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley. It makes me jealous of Harry Potter. Sure, his life is hell. But hell might be easier to endure with friends by your side.

Labels: Harry Potter, lonely, summer

It's been over two years since I last posted and I haven't really got a reason for it. I knew when I started this blog that I would never update as much as I wanted. No matter what I had to say I could never find enough words (or the right words) to make it into anything I felt that anyone wanted to read. Many of the blogs I read on a daily/weekly basis had a lot of depth to them, even if they were only a paragraph long. And I felt that I couldn't deliver that kind of writing.

So, now I'm back. I still don't feel much better in my writing ability, but I'm going through an important change in my life at the moment and I want a place to record how it transpires.

I've decided to tell everyone that I'm a lesbian.

I'm not sure that anyone I know in real life actually reads this, so this won't be my venue for coming out. However, I have a feeling that coming out will be a long process. I'm sure I'll regress and not tell some people for weeks or months. Or maybe I'll tell everyone in one day and let the rumour mill do the rest. Whatever happens, I'll be using this space to get nerves and frustrations out.

I've known I was at least bisexual since I was 20, but it all started when I was 16. Three of my closest girlfriends and I were playing truth or dare, and I got the 'I dare you to kiss so and so for at least thirty seconds'. It's like that dare is mandatory at every girl sleepover. So anyway, we kissed. It wasn't amazing, but it was loads better than any other kiss I'd ever had. I chalked it up to only have kissed two boys and not being very experienced. Now, at 25, I know that's where I all began.

Looking back I was always fascinated with girls. I never thought about them in a sexual way, but I enjoyed looking at them. Any time I watched a film I was always looking at the female characters. I know, I know, that doesn't mean anything, right? I dunno. At the time I'd never really even heard of girls being with girls or guys being with guys. My town isn't really small, but even now there's not a huge population of gays. It wasn't until I was 20 that I realised I appreciated, and was even turned on by, women.

When I was 22, I went through a really hard time. I was depressed and cutting myself. That's an entirely new story, so I won't go into details here. But the first time I admitted that I liked women was to my therapist during a session. She was extremely understanding (as she should've been) but I didn't feel as relieved as I thought I would. She did give me several things to consider and I went home that night, thankful for the internet, and did some research.

I won't deny that I used a bit of internet porn in my research. I felt very self-conscious and never went out with friends or work mates. I felt as if I wasn't worthy enough for people to like me. Without going into detail, I found that guys did nothing to turn me on. Even when watching a guy and a girl I was always looking at the girl.

But it's not all about sex. In the past three years, I've found that I don't desire that deep emotional relationship with guys. I love being friends with guys and no longer get nervous around them since I don't need to impress them like I thought I did. I still have plenty of friends that are girls, but I crave that emotional relationship with one. I know eventually I'll find someone, but I think it's important for me to come out first.

So that's a bit of background about me.

For the last few weeks I've had an intense need to tell someone. But who? I honestly don't know anyone that I can imagine being okay with it. I want a sounding board before I even think about telling my parents - the last thing I need is for my parents not to accept me and then to lose my friends because of it as well. I know some of my friends will accept me, and I think in time most of my co-workers will but whenever I think about telling them my stomach knots up.

So the first person I told?

I called an old friend the other day and scheduled a play date for our kids. This girl had a year-long relationship with another girl, so I knew at least she'd be accepting and understand. When I got to her house though, I realised I hadn't seen this girl in years. Could I just come out and tell her I was gay? I let the conversation flow and decided to wait until she asked me if I was seeing anyone. A few hours passed and nothing like that came out of her mouth. I was almost relieved. Could I really start telling people I was a lesbian? Sometimes it seems unreal - I know what's expected of me: to find a man to marry and be with.

As we were getting lunch, the dreaded question was raised. I began to stutter and told her I didn't really have time to meet anyone..didn't know where to meet anyone. She said, Of course not, you work and go to school, how could you have time?

My heart was pounding so quickly I thought it'd jump out of my chest. "My situation's a bit different though. I'm...I'm..." I paused. She told me to spit it out. I looked at her and said, "I'm gay."

Her response? "I tried telling you for years!"

My hands were shaking so badly I couldn't get a grip on my water bottle but I was so relieved. I had finally told someone what I had been hiding inside for so long. Even if it was someone I didn't really speak with any longer. She told me that I could come to her if I ever needed to talk or if I needed some support.

So there we go! One down, dozens to go. I'm not ashamed of it...It's who I am and I want the people I love and care about to know this about me.

Labels: coming out, lesbian, my story, the l word

So here it is, 4am and I've been up for half an hour because of my brother and sister.

Apparently they still think it's cool to be up after midnight. It's not. It's not cool in any way at all, especially when you have to wake your big sister up to get her car keys, to use her car, to go pick up your drunk brother so he doesn't go to jail.

Yes, I'm serious.

Who actually drives drunk anymore? Apparently I'm such a loser that I don't go to parties where people let people leave and drive when they're drunk, which is fine by me. I don't even like to drive, much less drink and drive. Or I'd call a cab...and I've done that before. It cost me $35 but at least I got home alive.

I'm really writing because I'm in somewhat of a dilemma now. I'm not even really mad that my brother got stopped at a road block, because thank god for those. I'm not even really mad that my sister woke me up after knocking incessently on my door for half an hour to go and get him. I'm upset because now she knows the alarm code.

Isn't that stupid?

Perhaps it sounds like it, but it's really not. Allow me to explain. My sister is not responsible enough to know the alarm code to the house. Not only that, she's not responsible enough to have a car. My parents took it away from her and are going to sell it when they return from their holiday. She's not supposed to have the alarm code because she goes in and out of the house at all hours of the night and never actually turns it on anyway, leaving us unprotected while we sleep.

Anyway, instead of asking me to turn the alarm off for her since she had woken me up anyway, my brother tells her the code.

Still don't understand why I'm pissed off?

I've been round and round with my sister about being a bum (which she really is) because she's been stealing from me (and who knows where else) and my parents won't allow her to know the code while they're gone because who knows what she'd get into in the middle of the night.

Alright, I said all of that to say this. I'm torn on what to do. I'm NOT a tattle tell, but I will tell my parents if I think something is harming you or those around you. When we caught my brother with pot, I told them and we had an intervention. My sister's case is a bit more tricky but we won't go into that. Let's just say I've had to tell on her as well.

But this? Do I tell my parents? Because I REALLY don't think she deserves the alarm code, and obviously my parents feel the same way or they would have given it to her. I could have very easily turned it off for her. Also, the fact that my brother was driving drunk and could have gone to jail. Thank goodness for nice police officers.

They told me that "this never happened" but again, let's reiterate, I'm up at 4 in the morning after only having gone to sleep at 1...then being woken up by Brooke at 2 and listening to her scream for half an hour wasn't much fun either. So, for me, it happened. And perhaps I'm too tired and need to get some sleep before I decide on whether to tell my parents. I dunno.

Again, I'm not a tattle-tell, but I wouldn't want someone to allow me to do something destructive for a long time without telling someone.

Ugh, I just re-read the post and I sound like I'm whinging and it is actually worse than I can make it sound here...and there's probably a back-story I should tell you but I really can't be bothered to go into all that now.

I'm wide awake now, so I guess I'll get some course work done.

<3

PS

So it's possible the reason for all the whinging is that I'm just sleepy. I spent two hours putting sponge rollers in Brooke's hair for the recital and I'm quite worried they won't come out properly...as in her hair won't be curled and I'll have spent that time doing it for nothing.

Labels: alarm codes, drunk driving, siblings

I received our Disney photos yesterday!! Hopefully I'll have them on my computer soon so I can make a photo slideshow/video. Well, it may take a week or so since I've got loads of coursework.

Only two more weeks until my Accounting and Intro to Finance courses are completed! I'm not doing as well as I would have liked but at this point I'm alright with anything as long as I don't have to re-take the courses.

I'm so tired of working night shift, but I do only work three days a week. If I went to day shift I'd probably have to work five days a week since it wouldn't be at the hospital. I'm a bit torn, though. I was going to pay my sister to watch Brooke for me and just take her out of daycare. I don't need to take her out of daycare but it would help me out a bit. My sister can't be trusted, though. I won't go into it but she's the type of person who wouldn't ask if you wanted the last slice of pizza, she'd just eat it. Alright perhaps that's a bad example, but she doesn't care for anyone else but herself.

For those of you who don't know, I plan on homeschooling Brooke. I've given it loads of thought and done loads of research and I feel like this is the best way to go. Brooke is such a quick learner, but I don't feel like she'd really learn much in school. Well, of course she'd learn something but statistics show 80% of time in school is spent waiting. It may not be something we stick with but that's why we're doing a trial run for this next school year.

I think that's it for now, but here's the VLOG I posted yesterday. It was the first time I've been able to have our sitting room to myself so I took the opportunity to vlog in a different location. :) <3

Labels: courses, daycare, disney photos, homeschool

So, I went to Disney World this past week..just got back yesterday.

It was so fabulous!! But not nearly as relaxing as I thought it might be. Brooke was really testy the first few days and I really felt like I reprimanded her more than anything...but it was fun!

Soo many people asked me where I lived. So I told them Georgia. hah. It was so funny to see the looks on their faces since I'm obviously not from Georgia, but they asked where I lived and not where I was from. I always feel awkward answering that question when I'm on holiday since I feel compelled to tell them I 'live in Georgia but am from England'.

I thought it was kindof obvious anyway. Is that just an assumption on my part? That people would recognise an English accent? Because sometimes I felt stupid just telling them I'm from England. Did they want to know I'm from West Sussex? Or would they even know where that was? While standing in queue for one ride I had a nice chat with another english mum, from Essex, and felt comfortable telling her West Sussex.

It's just something I sort of worried about while telling people where I was from. Did they think I thought THEM stupid if I didn't divulge a bit more information than England? I only say this because if someone were to tell me the exact city they lived in (anywhere in the world), I wouldn't know where it was unless it was a major city.

Disney was amazing, as usual, and we had a few cast members go out of their way for us and a few cast members that must have hated their job. I do understand some people actually hate their job, regardless of who they're working for, and that everyone has bad days, but sometimes all you have to smile and say 'Hi' to people and that's enough to show me you at least care about the people you're working with.

I'm going to start a Disney blog about my experiences with the hotel and other things I know loads about, to give people my opinions on them. When I was researching the hotel I was staying in, I couldn't find much information on it besides what the Disney website stated. Not that I don't believe the website, because I do whole-heartedly, but I couldn't find out how it would fit my needs as a mum with a four year old.

Hopefully that'll at least be started later today, so if you're interested, check my blogger profile and there should be a link. I'll try and link it here if I remember after I get it up. :)

Hope everyone is having a magical day!! 8O

Labels: accents, cities, disney blog, Disney World, England, knowledge

So, I completely fail at this blog/vlog every day thing. It's really just not me. Of course, I never really did either until April so I guess jumping in was a bit foolish. Perhaps I should have started off slowly.

But seriously, I am not one of those people who have a camera friendly face, and can't really make it interesting enough to keep you watching. I also don't really watch the news or read the newspapers. My sources come from just glancing at BBC, which happens to be my homepage.

I am really not uneducated, there is just so much bad news that gets advertised and sometimes I'd rather see the good in the world than the bad. Now, I know that makes me sound mad, but all you hear about on the news anymore is the bad. At least on the internet you can sort through the news and choose what you'd like to hear about.

Earlier, my daughter asked me to put ice in her water. (It was a bit strange since I NEVER put ice in my drinks, but sure.) She came to me half an hour later asking me to take the ice out. Here's how the conversation went after I looked in the cup:

Me: Baby, there's not ice in this cup.
Brooke: Yes, there is. You need to get it out.
Me: Look at it, the ice has melted.
Brooke: Oh, well I can't drink it now.

I have no idea what goes through her head.

I finally finished my maths course...although I'm not sure I made high enough marks to continue to the next one. I would rather take 30 history courses than take one maths course. That's how much I hate maths. Of course, now I'm taking Accounting and Finance, but I can deal with those.

So, I love how the Blog Every Day in April has evolved. So far I've seen Vlog EDA and I came across a guy on DailyBooth who is doing Draw EDA. I just think it's amazing that so many people are comitted to doing something daily for a month. I'm sure for some people it's not much of a change if you did it before but I still think it's amazing.

Not me, of course, because I fail. XD

I do sort of have a good excuse but I can't really use it. It's not really that good and I did actually have time to blog/vlog. I'm not really disappointed in myself because I'm at least thinking about it and I will definitely start doing this more often so I think it all works out.


I believe that's it for now, and hopefully I'll be back tomorrow!

Labels: Brooke, EDA, fail, ice, news

Wow, sorry for lack of..well, anything yesterday. I didn't realise how difficult it wouuld be to blog from work. :look:

My day started out weird last night at work, as we had several psych patients. Now, I work in an emergency room so it's pretty normal to have a psych patient every so often, but last night was had three just to start off with. Although, one of them could have just been high, but he was acting very psych-o like. He punched our clock, causing it to crack, and also punched the television and computer in his exam room. We had to call security on him four times and he tried to escape numerous times.

I am not a babysitter. If I were, I might enjoy my job more.

So, I'm not really stuck watching him but my duty for last night was 'tech'retary, so I'm in direct line of sight of his room all night. Anyway, last night was hectic and the entire ER was turned upside down because of this one pt. It didn't stop until they put restraints on him and gave him meds.

Full moons are mad!!

Speaking of full moons, I met a guy named Remus yesterday as well. It was so awesome! I never thought of Remus being a strange name at all, but I didn't know anyone personally who was named that...but now I do! It was so amazing :)

Today, I had my first experience with a launderette, or whatever you want to call it...It was actually quite fun. I've never been to one before but due to having to leave our washers alone for two weeks, we had to go. My dad and I went together which was nice since I would have been quite bored.

I also bought a new phone today! It's the Samsung Instinct with Sprint..yay! It's so lovely, and it's got the internet and music and such. The first thing I did was download Doctor Who calltones :D I'm such a nerd :p

Anyway, my sister just arrived so I'm going to spend some time with her before I need to get to sleep.

Have a great week!!

Labels: launderettes, nerds, psycho, Samsung Instinct, sprint